I love the work…..But I hate being busy.
This is just an observation about myself at this time. It seems I have a sensitive nervous system or I’m terrible at dealing with stress, or maybe both. On one hand, I’m trying to accept this about myself, but to be honest, I really wish I could fix it. I sometimes wish I was built a lot sturdier.
I wanted success. I intended it for myself right from the beginning. What could be better than making a livable income from doing something you LOVE? Doesn’t everybody want that? Well, I thought that’s what I wanted…..and maybe I still do……but at what price?
I have become disconnected to the deeper side of my work. I’ve been operating on a level, on and off for awhile now, that just doesn’t feel right to me. I think I’ve made it clear from earlier posts that sometimes I feel like I am just going through the motions and my work has lost a lot of its soul. I’ve been wandering down a path that is taking me in a direction I don’t really want to go. On one hand, I’ve been thrilled about my successes this year. It has been my busiest year ever! I have gained a lot of publicity and it has grown my business in a way that I guess I wasn’t quite prepared for. But as much as this seems like a positive situation, I now find myself hiding behind “I’m too busy!” much of the time, like it’s a valid excuse for self sabotage.
Why is “I don’t have the time” ever even an option when concerning my own peace and happiness? And the funny thing is, even when I do attempt to take time to nurture myself, I’m still not really connecting – going for hikes to meditate, but not allowing my mind to quiet because I can’t seem to compartmentalize all of the things I need to do later. Because even though I’m going through the motions, somewhere in the background I’m still replaying the script of “I don’t have time for this right now.” It’s difficult to shift the gears, energetically speaking.
I know it’s all practice and perspective, but it does seem a bit ironic.
I guess its very hard for me to connect to my higher self, or my inner peace, when my schedule is full and my mind is so busy. It’s difficult to slow down and turn off. There is so much to do and my list of custom work seems to be ever growing. I get feeling overwhelmed and can’t find a sense of calm. And even though I tell myself over and over again that the external world doesn’t have to dictate or control my inner world, I’m playing the victim. I know it is true, with every thread of my being, but I no longer embody it. When my life was simpler I was able to keep my forcefield intact, but since levelling up, the world outside has become more powerful than I.
This business takes me away from myself. And I suffer. Or I suppose it’s not the business I should blame, but my own flawed perspective. Sigh.
I know I’m not alone here and many of you know just what I’m talking about. And I also know there will be some “experts” reading this, wanting to say: “Meditation is a practice. Keep coming back to the mat. Meditation isn’t about the destination, but the journey.”……and BLAH, BLAH, BLAH…..but please don’t, or I might have to tell you to fuck off.
Meditation is brilliant. When I can, letting go for a time is nice. I get all calm and feeling wonderful and serene and then what? WHAM! Life comes flooding back again and I am back in it – the schedules, the lists, the requests, the orders, the phone ringing and notifications and with it, I feel my peace slipping away again. I just want to hold it for longer. And maybe that’s why I self sabotage. Because maybe it’s easier to not have it at all, than to have to let it go.
These days, it is only when when I am sick or injured that I can really step outside of the business and find some peace…..and even still, I battle my own resistance tooth and nail to get to that point of surrender. And here I am, writing about all of this because I’ve reached that point again and have a clear view on what is really going on. It only took 3 weeks of pain for my body to finally will me into submission. Maybe next time it won’t have to, but it seems that for now I am best broken.