Gravity and Balance
I’ve been sitting here in front of a blank screen for about twenty minutes now, struggling with what I should write about. I don’t feel as though I have anything much to share….no grand insights….nothing too exciting that I’m currently working on. So, I guess I’ll just write about how I’m feeling.
Well, honestly, I’ve just been feeling sort of blah. And also, pretty stressed out.
Lately I’ve just been putting my head down and diligently churning out the things that I suspect I’ll need for my upcoming shows. Rings, bracelets, necklaces, Christmas ornaments – The things I tend to sell a lot of. The things that will pay the bills. I enjoy my work, even when it isn’t particularly inspired, but right now I just sort of feel like I’m living for “the weekend”.
And the weekend starts in January.
I know this isn’t right. I truly believe in milking the most out of life and living every day as though it could be my last, but let’s be realistic, (UGH!! booo!) I’m a working artist and some of the things that I make sell better than others. May-Dec is my busiest season, and right now, I’m just working my tail off. It’s not that I can’t follow my inspiration and start working on some wonderful, exciting new project, it’s that I won’t . I have chosen not to carve out the time for it right now because I believe there will be time for that later.
I keep saying to myself, “Just get through the next couple of months…..and January will bring you back to where you want to be.” In January I will have a break from the shows and hopefully be through my long list of custom orders and will find myself with a long stretch of free time to create whatever it is my heart desires. I seem to require a lot of space to really find myself in that truly inspired, joyful , creative place. January is the light at the end of the tunnel. January is my saviour.
Or what if January doesn’t bring me the space that I believe I need? What if I just become busier and busier….with more orders and more opportunities? It does seem that every year my “quiet stretch” becomes shorter, so what if I someday find myself without? That is the gravity I am facing. Can I trust myself to set my own boundaries and to know when to say “enough” in order to preserve a healthy balance between what I “should” make and what I really want to make?
I’m not even certain I know where that line is right now!
I guess I am still learning myself. We probably need to locate that line before we can walk it, and life is constantly throwing curve balls at us which require us to recalibrate and to make adjustments. I haven’t figured out how to handle the business demands that are coming my way, and I keep saying to myself, “Busy is a state of mind” (which I truly believe) but have yet to master that philosophy. I will keep practicing.
In the meantime, I will be tender with myself. Sometimes that’s the best we can do.