I feel agitated this morning.
Do you have ever those times when everything just feels abrasive? I can’t find the right music to listen to, the dog keeps barking, I’m hungry but I can’t decide what to eat, I’m restless and even the feel of my clothes on my skin is bothering me. I’m grumpy and pissed off that I woke up this way.
I feel a strong pull to make myself busy with some activity or to lose myself on social media. Anywhere but here, I guess. The problem is, and I know this from experience, anything I “do” will only be a temporary distraction from my discomfort. Not that there is anything really wrong with that, I just feel a pull to go deeper.
When I dig a little deeper, underneath my agitation and restlessness there is something else. Something very human. There is a sense of disconnection and this vague feeling of emptiness. I realize that I’m not alone in feeling these things, but I am learning to fight the urge to avoid or “fix” them. If I stayed at the level of feeling where my agitation and restlessness lie, I might make up stories or excuses about why I am having a morning like this: “I didn’t get enough sleep. I’m behind in my work. I’m worried about my kid.” Not saying these things aren’t true and can’t affect me, but I don’t believe they are root problems. I sense they are just pointing the way to something even more true.
The stories I tell myself to justify or rationalize how I feel do nothing but keep me operating on the surface of life. How about just……“I FEEL”. Do I really need to know what’s up? Does it even matter? If I’m being totally honest, justifying my bad mood with “stories” isn’t much different than losing myself in my iphone. It’s still avoidance on some level. Me writing this morning even feels a bit like avoidance. I can’t feel it fully when I’m trying to put it all into words, can I? I’m trying to operate from my head and be in my heart at the same time…..but I’m Not even sure that’s fully possible.
I expect I will always have times like this. As long as I’m alive these feelings will come and go like ebbs and flows. It’s a human thing.
I have learned that when I sit with my feelings without trying to get above them, avoid them, or fix them, I am giving myself something far more important. I’m truly BEING myself; Truly accepting myself as I am.
It’s through giving my loneliness more alone time and my emptiness more space that I am actually giving myself exactly what I need.
It’s like spiritual homeopathy – The cure is in the disease.